What to Do After #Rape in Nigeria by Morenike Fajemisin (@Pharmacistreny)

Rape is one form of sexual assault and a terrible act that has defied understanding of the reasons of the rapist. It has also defied any of the ‘tips’ people give for helping future victims prevent it. Rape is when a person(s) has sex with an unwilling person. Sex should always be consensual, that is, it must happen between willing parties. Any sex with a person who struggles to escape you or lies there begging you to stop is Rape. Because most rape victims are women, I’d like to focus this article where the shoe pinches most. In most developed countries, there are (numerous) easily accessible Sexual Assault Referral Centers you can easily locate and run to for help but this is not the case in Nigeria. I hope to at least guide you through 3 steps that can help you avoid some physical scars so you can move on and be a survivor.

I am yet to hear if a rapist who used a condom and while there are just as many emotional and psychological scars as there are physical scars after rape, here are three DIY steps after rape.

#Op-Ed: Why the Fuss about Gender Equality? by Laz Ude Eze (@donlaz4u)

 

 

Seven years ago while on call duty at the University of Abuja Teaching Hospital, I had a female patient

referred from a general hospital on account of poor progress of labour. The labour had lasted for more

than 12 hours and we observed signs of obstruction on examination. The woman was weak and the

baby was in distress; a decision of assisted delivery through caesarian section was reached. After

counselling, the woman verbally agreed but the written consent was to be given by the husband. Yes,

you read me right – the husband. The man had a different opinion, his pastor had “prophesied that his

wife would deliver like a Hebrew woman”; so he declined consent. He later bowed to pressure after

hours of marathon counselling and signed the consent form. The operation was successful, but the baby

had signs of brain damage. During post natal care, the woman had started leaking urine from her vagina

(known as vesico-vaginal fistula – VVF). She would have to go through another surgery to repair her

leaking bladder. The baby was at risk of having cerebral palsy which is usually associated with

suboptimal motor function and low intellectual capacity. This pathetic incident can only occur in a

society like ours where women are denied the right to make informed decisions on matters concerning

their body and their health. 

It is no longer news that a week after the celebration of International Women’s Day, the Nigerian Senate

rejected a proposed legislation that seeks to promote equal rights and opportunities for women. The

official title of the bill was “A bill for an Act to Incorporate and enforce certain provisions of the United

Nations Convention on the Elimination of all forms of Discrimination against Women (CEDAW), the

Protocol of the African Charter on Human and People’s Rights on the rights of women in Africa, and

other matters connected therewith, 2016 (SB. 116)”. This decision of the Senate has received knocks

from well-meaning and informed Nigerians. Is it not ironic and hypocritical that the senate refused to

approve a bill drawn from international conventions which the country had signed and agreed to? Is it

not vexatious and insensitive that this happened while Nigerian women are discussing how to guarantee

rights and welfare of women globally at the ongoing meeting of the UN Commission on the Status of

Women in New York? 

Featured Post: #Rape is About Power, Not Dress Style by SAMIRA SAWLANI (@samirasawlani)

One would think that a youth affairs minister in any country would be an individual who could be held up as an example to all those youngsters that he or she serves.

According to a Daily Monitor article, Minister Kibuule (a Ugandan Minister) suggests that when a rape is reported, the police should assess how the victim was dressed.

Should it be found that she was wearing miniskirts, tight jeans, bikinis or other ‘indecent’ items, the aggressor should be freed. This trend of ‘victim blaming’ has become a sickness which seems to have taken over the world.

For many years civil society organisations, the media and survivors of rape have spoken out about the treatment by authorities and the police, of women who report a rape.

Rose, (name changed), is 32. Weeks before she was due to get married, she boarded a taxi home at 9pm. as she alighted and began the two-minute walk to her house, three men followed her and began making inappropriate remarks.

One put his hand on her mouth and pulled her into the bush on the side of the road. What followed was a harrowing ordeal where she was pushed to the ground, the first man forcing himself upon her, his weight making it impossible for her to move while his hand covered her mouth.

Press Release: Violence against Persons Prohibition Bill (#VAPPBill) – A Call for Presidential Assent by #Choice4Life Advocates

25th May, 2015

After a thirteen-year sojourn at the National Assembly, the Violence against Person Prohibition (VAPP) Bill was passed by the Senate on 5th May, 2015. It was earlier passed by the House of Representatives on 14th March, 2013. While the bill awaited legislative action, thousands of Nigerians fell victim to various forms of violence and many lost their lives. Now that the bill has been passed by both chambers of the national assembly, harmonized and transmitted to the president, we call on President Goodluck Jonathan to further pen his name in the history books by assenting to it immediately.

Sexual violence, a crime the VAPP bill seeks to address appears to be on the rise in recent times.  Adolescents and youths, particularly young girls are the main victims of this form of violence. Unfortunately, 52% of victims do nothing about it (National Demographic Health Survey 2013) due  to minimal support structure on ground. Domestic violence, female genital cutting, electoral violence, and many others have also caused tremendous damages in our national polity.

Troubled by the sufferings of these victims who hardly ever get justice or support, the #Choice4Life  advocates, a group of young Nigerians from diverse ethno-religious and professional backgrounds joined the advocacy for the passage of VAPP bill into law. For the past 13 months that we led the #Choice4Life campaign via social media, television and radio, we observed a high acceptance of thebill by Nigerians.

Opinion: Rape and a Few Underlying Issues by @AAABORODE

There is no justification for rape, but we can achieve a significant plus when we cut off 

the extreme indecent dressing rampant nowadays. It is also a significant tool used by the 

perpetrators / rapists to cower their victims into believing it was their fault.

The sudden increase in the number of rape cases in recent times is not just alarming but scary! We are fast becoming regular victims of mentally derailed predators and the war seem like it’s just getting started.

The act of rape isn’t humane; and I see it as an act carried out by people with very low self-esteem and very sad lives. Unfortunately ladies and children are the major victims of these atrocious acts; they are subjected to the forceful act and end up being psychologically damaged for most parts of their lives.

Rape has resulted in cases of abortion, death of many either by suicide or murder and it has sent many to psychiatrist homes. It has aided the spread of sexually transmitted infections and paralyzed the dreams of many. Our environment hasn’t been just to the victims of these barbaric acts.

The victims, in most cases have been left to live in fear and turmoil. They have been made to look like outcasts and their burden has been derided as ‘normal’. We as a people need to understand that no one deserves to be raped and we should help these victims fight the war. The dangers of not helping are countless and it may end up knocking on your door if you think it hasn’t gotten to the grave end yet.

My Take on Akpororo's Joke by Deborah (@dumebiesq) #SayNoToRapeJokes

I woke up this morning to a message from one of my favorite twitter people, Ayodeji Osowobi (@AyodejiOsowobi), informing me that Akpororo had finally apologized for the rape joke. I went on to google the apology and as I read it I had tears flowing from my eyes. Was it because I woke up knowing it's also been a few days over one year since little girls were kidnapped from their school and have been living in captivity in the worst conditions with madmen, most likely being raped on a daily basis. Was it because I was relieved he finally apologized, albeit days later? It was most likely a combination of both. Rape issues and persons affected by it do not receive enough protection in our society.

In a week where the Oba of Lagos threatened Igbos living in Lagos with drowning if they did not carry out his orders, and upon a mighty public backlash, he immediately apologized and his statement immediately disowned by the party he sought to represent. In a week where Kunle Afolayan blamed Igbos as the sole cause of his loss to pirates and upon a mighty public backlash
he immediately apologized. In the same week Akpororo, an Airtel Ambassador, and a Comedian
favored by Christians makes a rape joke, there is a weak public backlash (though I am glad this came from both men and women), little or no condemnation from female celebrities and/or women on power, and no response from Airtel to tweets directed at them, even though they continued to tweet and bother me with their unwanted text messages. Some men on twitter even tried the excuse, “it was just a joke”. How??? I have spoken to persons affected by rape, (I hate to use the word “victim” because I respect the strength it takes to work towards overcoming the effect of rape) they donot ever forget, they constantly work to overcome it.

Marital Rape in #Nigeria: My Perspective by Oluwatoyin Ogungbayi

Rape is one, if not the most under-reported and consequently under-prosecuted violent crime. Whether perpetrated by a stranger, an acquaintance or an intimate partner; it produces the most disappointing outcomes if prosecuted. Rape cases are often grueling, emotionally daunting for the victim, a crime of immense cruelty, which demands an enormous emphasis on proof in a court of law.

A quick examination of what rape is:

Rape is anal, oral or vaginal sex without consent. Therefore non-consensual anal, oral or vaginal penetration by a person’s spouse is marital or spousal rape.

Discussions around Marital Rape are guarded, sensitive and often unconcluded in the minds of many. Indeed in some societies some are of the position that it is culturally impossible to accuse a man of raping his wife. The popular belief is that spouses-especially the wife belongs to her husband and he can do as he pleases when he pleases and how he pleases so much so that it is unthinkable to suggest that a husband can rape his wife.

I however beg to differ by emphasizing the fact that the most crucial element of rape is the absence of consent. The relationship between the perpetrator and the victim does not take precedence over this ultimate factor of consent. Does it not therefore follow that lack of consent in marriage is rape? Rape remains rape as long as lack of consent is an element and Marital Rape is a despicable reality that affects a fair share of women whether or not it is spoken about and acknowledged.

Examining Martial Rape in the Nigerian context, we must understand the integral role power plays. Powerlessness for women and power for men is portrayed in Marital Rape because power gives the perpetrator the privilege of control of the victim’s body, absolute control to take, regardless of the victim’s willingness. It is used to punish, exert control over the victim and prove masculinity. This control is given, sustained and strengthened by patriarchy. Given that the society is an enabler of the rape culture through power and the dominance of men in the private and public spheres, it follows that a marital rapist believes that he owns his wife, a property that can be used anytime he pleases however he pleases; he believes also that sex is owed him by his wife. The prevalence of child marriage clearly depicts this unequal power relations and the way marital rape is enabled by the society. This sense of entitlement by marital rapists renders consent null and may be an indication that such men through socialization can also commit stranger rape. If so, the society can indeed be more dangerous for women than we thought.

Should Fighting Back to Avoid Rape Equal Death Sentence?

(Photo Credit: www.hurriyetdailynews.com)

20-year-old, Aslan was found burnt in a riverbed in the city of Mersin in Turkey. The psychology student was kidnapped on her way home on Wednesday and the driver attempted to rape her. She reportedly fought him off with pepper spray, but was then stabbed to death and also hit on the head with an iron pipe and that was how Aslan died -- not for probably committing an offence against anyone, but for simply saying no.

We are in a society where people, predominantly women have become prey and can be consumed by these predators anytime, anyday, anywhere. People need to understand that there is need for consent always.

"Yes, let's do this".

"No, let's not do this".

It's very necessary. One can only hope that people would grow to understand the necessity of consent. I'm tempted to ask "Do you enjoy sex when all you hear is screaming and wailing from the other party?" I don't want to think of this. Let's be more human.

Let's respect other people.

Consent is key always. This cannot be overemphasized.

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We join the women of Istanbul who have held protests so far to express their anger to take a stand to end rape.

Enough is enough. This violence should stop. Let's be more aware and sensitive towards the yearnings of other people.

Join the movement today. Take a stand to end rape.

Shame: Poem by Tosin Adeshokan (@theOluwatosin)

SHAME


The child heavy with child.
Spited by her mates,
Shallow bastards that wouldn’t know any better.
Disgraced by the community,
Shamed by her family.
She won’t find the cure to cancer.
That future is now erased.
All she would ever be would be street fights and failed marriages.
Drugs and suicide attempts.
One day she gets lucky and kills herself,
Trying to drown the Indian movie of sadness her life has become.


But do not shame Shade
No No No! Don’t even dare!


Shame her father for being a pig!
It’s not his fault he can’t respect women!
Just like his father before him, he is a violent abusive drunk!


Shame her mother for not standing against hell she called marriage.
A fractured nose here, a non-operational black eye there.
Settling for someone beneath her because society says ‘A woman is a failure if she isn’t married’.

The Civil Society and the War against Domestic Violence by Bunmi Olaniyan

Within the last couple of weeks a lot of occurrences from the mundane to patently mind blowing has been scrolling across our collective, from continued Bringbackourgirls hash tag campaign for the Chibok girls to be rescued by Government to the comedy of the absurd playing out amongst our morally fractured political class.

Presently the 30percentornothing hash tag campaign is trending with a wide and varied series of emotional response. Some irritated others angry, while some offered whole hearted support and enthusiasm and those in between..

However apart from the frustration and anger at the perceived complacency of Government as regards a whole raft of issues, none of the news has caused as much angst and exasperation as the tweets bordering on an incident of domestic violence I read about barely few minutes ago. Since information about this particular issue is just unfolding hence we are not privy to the facts surrounding it this piece will suffice with one of equal impact hence assessment.

A couple of months ago, the flamboyant ex lawmaker Dino Melaye's partner packed out of his house due to her inability to withstand Dino's regular violence upon her person.

THE MONSTER CALLED RAPE

I guess that my difficulty in being able to write about women related themes in my writings stemmed from the fact that when I had grown to the level of self-realisation, my mother who could properly guide me through the mountainous range of knowing and appreciating the opposite sex was no more of this earth, or perhaps because I never grew with a female sibling, or even maybe, because I grew up in a conventional Nigerian family , ferociously grounded in morals, where it would amount to a taboo for a man to ever think of stooping so low to the level of a woman (Infact, God help you if Papa should as much as catch you innocently daydreaming about the opposite sex).

I had methodically embarked on a joyous voyage of Thank-God-I-Am-A-Man themed writings. A moment of introspection had awakened in me and opened my eyes to the wonders and amazing world of being a woman. A task which I will not set out here, but suffice it to say that being a woman is a very beautiful experience. That sadly seems to be on a sharp decline as evinced from the various acts of violence against women. Questions after question continually barraged my mind. What if my future wife was someone who had undergone the damaging and traumatising effects of being raped? What if I am nowhere to be found tomorrow, what will be the fate of my future daughters in a world of prejudiced values against women? What if my only sister, had she been alive, grows to become a victim of rape? Worst of all, what if I had been born a girl, who could tell, if I wouldn't have experienced such traumatic moments of being dehumanised and downgraded? As these unanswered questions kept nagging at me, I found myself invariably departing from mainstream Collins; trademark Arikor, who naturally is stone-hearted when it comes to matters concerning the opposite sex. Because whichever way you decide to look at it, the issue of rape touches us all in one way or the other. And then an inner voice told me it was time to wear the shoes of rape victims so as to feel how it pinches; it was time to lend my voice to the dastardly act of rape. This monster called rape.

POEM: Let the Chick out of the Lion’s Den By Chineke Onyedika Victor

Who will let the chick out of the lion’s den?

Who will save it from its trembling feathers?
It was let loose by the carelessness of God knows who
The chick, the hen and maybe the cockerel too
She is the chick
As innocent as the white dove
Still learning to fly above
Above struggles of life, above certain challenges
As feeble as the cartilage
Not yet ossified
Lacking strength, and lacking vigor

Ending Violence: Connecting the Dots Between Young African Women and Development

I attended a social function just last Wednesday in the Senegalese capital, Dakar. The event was one that you could describe as having successfully attracted under one roof an eclectic group of people: local politicians, artists, traditional leaders, entrepreneurs, etc.

I was mingling with guests and doing the usual social networking, and I was barely paying attention to the musicians when I heard the voice of the lead singer call for attention.

"We must care about the well being of our daughters, sisters, wives and mothers. Violence against women and girls is not an option because we need them in building our nation. So I dedicate my next song…”

And with that, he went on singing.

Why Do Women Stay in Abusive Marriages?

As I sat to watch a movie called "Unforgivable," I saw a man who raped and physically abused his wife. This got me thinking '...what was going on?' When did it become acceptable for men to rape their wives? Why are women so quiet about sexual violence? Is it the fear of losing their marriage or because society has taught women to be quiet about such an incident?

Society itself contributes to this menace. Women are mostly not given the opportunity to air their opinion in marriage (even in this present age). They are seen as second class citizens, humans below men, fragile beings and sometimes as mere properties men purchased -- through bride price. This has relegated women to taking the back position. A position where women don't see the need to #SpeakOut.

Women have to change the way they view themselves. Hey, the way you view and place yourself is the way a man will handle you. Women must gain the confidence to express themselves in marriage. Marriage is a partnership, it isn't a one man venture. It has been said countless times, "if a man hits you once, he will hit you again." It is amazing when women stay in abusive marriages in the name of "He will change." What if he never changes? Are you going to keep hoping until he beats life out of you?

Women it is time to stop hiding under the disguise of been a faithful wife/spouse. An abusive marriage has nothing to do with humility and reverence for your spouse. If he hits you, #SpeakOut, talk to organisations that (you know) can help you or better still pray. If worse comes to worse; take to your heels before he takes your life. This is your year to walk in your freedom, don't be under the shackles of commitment by staying in a marriage that could possibly end your life. We are however not asking women to divorce their husbands or abandon their homes, we are only asking that they don't suffer in silence.

This is a call on women. It's time to #SpeakOut, take back your freedom.

Rape Myths 2

We started a session on what is a "myth" and what is "fact" (check the first part HERE). This is a continuation of the article. We hope with this, people can clear all misconceptions.

Myth: You can tell a rapist by the way he looks.

Fact: Rapists are not physically identifiable. They may appear friendly, normal, and non-threatening. Many are young, married and have children. Rapist types and traits however can be categorized.

Myth: Women fantasize about being raped.

Fact: No woman fantasizes about being raped. Fantasies about aggressive sex may be controlled and turned off if they become threatening. In rape, the victim is unable to control the violence and stop it.

 Myth: A man can't rape his wife.

Fact: Laws against rape in marriage should be enacted. The idea that a man can't rape his wife suggests married women do not have the same right to safety as do unmarried women. Most battered women have experienced some form of sexual abuse within their marriage. It is also known that estranged or ex-spouses sometimes use rape as a form of retaliation.

Be an Advocate for Women. Women #SpeakOut!

 Violence against women in any form is a crime! Be it verbal or physical assault. The moment he insults you, calls you names, or makes you feel any less of yourself, That's "ABUSE". You're being emotionally beaten. No woman, no girl, no wife, no partner, no girlfriend should EVER, EVER put up with that. If you are a victim of these kinds of abuse, or if you know someone who is being abused, please speak to us. Send us an email: Standtoendrape@gmail.com.

Please spread the word.

Thank you!

Cultural Context of Domestic Violence amongst Africans in the Diaspora

Relationships and family lives are often glossed up by society and the media as though that is the reality for everyone, yet if we really held the mirror closer against our own society, a disturbing picture of abuse and sometimes violent reality emerges. In the midst of all this are children, who in the absence of any structured and meaningful love and guidance at home, go on to develop mal-adaptive behaviors that will shape their lives and personalities as they develop.

In turn parents may develop poor, authoritative parenting skills, or plain abuse and neglect as the ripple effect of this trauma begins to manifest itself into complex family problems. Some of the effects of this trauma will have lifetime effects and reproduce themselves in future generations.

Over the years I have heard comments such as ‘why doesn’t she just leave’ or stereotypical comments such as ‘that’s how African men treat women.’ Some of these comments are silent; some come from within ourselves, and some from within our own African communities. Although there is a wide body of initiatives and guidelines to further our knowledge on domestic violence, in fact very little is known or has been explored about the context in which African women and men suffer domestic violence.

'I Fought for My Life… And Won' by Habiba Olawale

This is of those write ups that will get you wanting to read to the end. This is another beautiful article from the stable of @abdulhabiba12. If you've missed some of her write ups, read them HERE, HERE and HERE. We hope this inspires other rape survivors. Read more...

I was gang raped 15years ago, when I was 13 years old.

Ever since that day 15years ago, I have been intensely aware of the misconceptions people have about rape, about those who rape and those who survive rape. I have also been aware of the stigma that attaches to survivors. Time and again, people have hinted that perhaps death would have been better than the loss of that precious“virginity.” I refuse to accept this. My life is worth too much to me.

He Raped Me -- Hidden Voices

This video explains what women have gone and still go through. This is giving a voice to the victims of Rape and Domestic Violence. We hope this will touch you and spur you to join us in this fight to #EndRape and eliminate all forms of #ViolenceagainstWomen. 

Punished For Being A Victim

She did what?

Those were the first words that came out of the police officer’s mouth, he stared at me and from the look in his eyes, and he had already tried, judged and sentenced me to death.

I'm sorry, my name is "Lola", I am 26 years old, single and I work as a receptionist at a real estate firm, and I was raped by my neighbour on my way to work, funny thing is, I told the better part of this story from a holding cell, and I got bailed out by the writer.

I live in a small neighbourhood, you know the type where everyone knows your name, and you know everyone’s name also, so you can imagine how it feels to have something like rape happen to you, and everyone turns on you and tries to blame you for it.

My attacker is well known to me, in fact our parents attend the same church, and they are or were pretty close. He had been making advances at me for a while now, but honestly I really didn’t find him as being the kind of guy I wanted to have a serious relationship with, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t think little of him neither did I think he was a bad person, at least not then, but I didn’t find him attractive enough, and I have never been one to date someone out of pity or material gain, so I kept letting him down gently.