What You Can Change In 2014 by Manuel Adesola

Here comes the dawn of a new day to mastermind the birth of a new moment, the introduction of a new phase and at the end revelation of a new year. On the morrow are promises of life, forgiveness of yesterdays and forgetfulness of yester-years. The past years had gone pregnant with happenings, many of which are favoring, a few of which are not. But depending on the perspective of view, everything may be to one as an advantage; the good, the bad and ugly as the bible puts; "All things work together for good to them that love God." But for the blood that flows within, and flesh that abhor pains, one would want a pill or two to end the trauma of victimization.

But I tell you, if it was a pain that respond to pain reliever, I am sure the clinic will have prescriptions for you.

Or if it was an ache that answers to the dictates of pain killers, doctors would have extra work on their hands to attend to.

But because it is not, it denies you the comfort of drugs to end the agony of pain. It is more of the mind than flesh. It radiates in emotion and feeling than the eyes can diagnose.

But in all that, you have a killer that kills kill. They call Him Comforter, Healer and Savior; He won’t leave you to know these pains alone but will take over the pain completely from you. Of a truth and fact I can tell, His power of restoration is efficient. He will put you back to where you belong; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and it won’t feel like anything was lost. By the time He is done, a new page would be opened and you would be asked to write a new you. Because as soon as you walk to Him, He re-programs your life to where you were before Him and not where circumstance of life has taken you. To Him, you are still the sweet daughter, a vessel to be used for His honor. Remember, no one can take away the purpose of a product as determined by the manufacturer. They can condemn and criticize but can’t stop the flow of a product to do its role. Your manufacturer, God is telling you not to forget your purpose because you were molested.

#VictimBlaming 101

The society we live in allows/promotes the stigmatization of rape survivors, which we believe is very wrong. Just like we have mentioned on various occasions, indecent dressing and drunkenness isn't an invitation to rape, therefore, it's time to get re-orientated. For the rest of the week, we will be posting pictograms with a message on #VictimBlaming 101. #BeEnlightened.

Rape Myths 2

We started a session on what is a "myth" and what is "fact" (check the first part HERE). This is a continuation of the article. We hope with this, people can clear all misconceptions.

Myth: You can tell a rapist by the way he looks.

Fact: Rapists are not physically identifiable. They may appear friendly, normal, and non-threatening. Many are young, married and have children. Rapist types and traits however can be categorized.

Myth: Women fantasize about being raped.

Fact: No woman fantasizes about being raped. Fantasies about aggressive sex may be controlled and turned off if they become threatening. In rape, the victim is unable to control the violence and stop it.

 Myth: A man can't rape his wife.

Fact: Laws against rape in marriage should be enacted. The idea that a man can't rape his wife suggests married women do not have the same right to safety as do unmarried women. Most battered women have experienced some form of sexual abuse within their marriage. It is also known that estranged or ex-spouses sometimes use rape as a form of retaliation.

Update: Lebanese Man Who Kicked Pregnant Employee in the Stomach Has Been Arrested

We reported some days back that President Jonathan ordered for the investigation of the case of a Lebanese boss, who abused his Nigerian employee (read HERE). This is an update of the situation.

The Lagos State Police Command on Friday arrested Kaveh Noine, a manager with Yoppan Printing Company, for allegedly kicking his pregnant subordinate, Alexandra Ossai, in the stomach. The incident which occurred 2 weeks ago was said to have caused the loss of the victim’s pregnancy.

It was reported that Noine -- a Lebanese -- reportedly travelled out of the country when policemen attached to the Area F Police Division, initially went to the company to invite him for questioning on Tuesday.

Rape Myths

Rape myths are beliefs about sexual assault that wrought with problems. Some myths are just completely and blatantly untrue. What often happens is that beliefs surrounding circumstances, situations, and characteristics of individuals connected to rape are applied to all cases and situations uncritically. Myths exist for many historic reasons which include inherited structural conditions, gender role expectations, and the fundamental exercise of power in a patriarchal society. The best way to approach rape myths are to confront them honestly and frankly. Don't deny their existence and don't dismiss one ungrounded statement with another.

Confronting rape myths sociologically means looking at the data and reevaluating knowledge in the face of social facts. What follows are a list of rape myths and the facts that bring those rape conceptions into question. They are not always conclusive but provide the ground work for continued research.

Myth: Rape is sex.

Fact: Rape is experienced by the victims as an act of violence. It is a life-threatening experience. One out of every eight adult women has been a victim of forcible rape. While sexual attraction may be influential, power, control and anger are the primary motives. Most rapists have access to a sexual partner. Gratification comes from gaining power and control and discharging anger. This gratification is only temporary, so the rapist seeks another victim. 

The President Orders for An Investigation of the Case of Pregnant Factory Worker Beaten by Lebanese Boss

The Special Presidential Adviser on Media and Publicity, Dr. Reuben Abati has stated that President Jonathan has taken interest in the case of a (Nigerian) pregnant factory worker, who was beaten by her Lebanese employer. The woman was said to have been (somehow) negligent in her duties (just for one day o!!!) and her boss (not considering her condition) pounced on her with kicks, punches and all other inhumane treatment. This resulted in her losing her 7 months old pregnancy and she is currently in Glorious Mercy Hospital.

Thanks to Doctor Abdulkareem, who treated her without any deposit (a good person biko!) and we also appreciate our president for giving hears to our cry #JusticeforAlice. This decision was contained in the tweets by Dr. R. Abati. See tweet after the cut.

A Letter to God

As a way of healing, we have asked our survivors to always write how they feel and help others in such a situation. This has been in forms of letter, articles and videos. This is another one from @Smartsensitive. If you have missed some of her writeups, please check HERE. Read more...

Dear God,

My heart is amazingly open today. It should have been an awesome Christmas party, but my sister ruined it. It just reminds me that nothing is perfect, our family and friends whom we expect a lot from can still hurt us from what doesn't even exist.

There's a good side to it all. God is still sure and a guarantee. Even when the world abandons us. God is still there holding out arms of comfort to nurse our hurts and help us birth our dreams. I'm listening to worship music, always soothing to my soul.

If You Are Healing...

If you are healing from sexual assault and you get out of bed in the morning, you are doing well.

If you are healing from sexual assault and you hold down a job, you are amazing.
If you are healing from sexual assault and you are still remotely pleasant to others, you are a lot nicer.
If you are healing from sexual assault and you cannot always be there for a friend, you need to think twice, your friends and families need you more.

If you are healing from sexual assault, and find it difficult to care for yourself, but still find the strength to care and love your family, then you are strong as well.
If you are healing from sexual assault and you decide to tell your story, you are brave.
If you are healing from sexual assault and you decide that you are not ready to tell your story, you are also brave but you NEED to #SpeakOut before its too late.

Merry Christmas from STER!

Wow! 2013 has been amazing because you have supported us just within the short while we started operation. We are out of words to describe how grateful we are. The names to appreciate are just too numerous for us to mention. Your love, support, appreciation of our (little) efforts have been amazing. For reading from our blog, commenting on articles, liking our posts on Facebook, twitter interactions and for everything else; we say thank you!

To all our team members/volunteers, StandtoEndRape/STER has been accepted as a working organisation and that is as a result of your resilient hard work and dedication. We are hopeful for a great year in 2014. We hope to work together to achieve greater heights and impact many more lives.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

From the coordinator of STER.

Talking About Forgiveness by Abimbola Abiola

Just when I was still up in the air about whether a "shitty" apology is worse than no apology at all as regards my previous article, my friend sent me a story about a victim blaming. After reading I asked myself "If I were raped and my rapist blames me for it, in my pain and anger am I expected to forgive him even when he isn't willing to accept responsibility for his actions/the harm he caused me?"
Sure I'm not the only one who thinks this way.

 Often times when rape happens victims are told to forgive their rapists. Now, the first step in how to forgive is to fully acknowledge the pain and anger that came from someone's actions, right? To add to the first step there's need to acknowledge the full scope of the harm done beyond pain and anger and the full scope of what that harm has done to the person harmed.

Heartbreaking Story of 23 YO Virgin Defiled by Brother’s Friend

When we got this report, our heart melted. While some will be celebrating this yuletide season with joy, 23-year-old Shapely Ngozi will be groaning in pains. Just when we are seriously advocating and fighting against rape, it keeps rearing its ugly head. We won't be discouraged!

Shapely Ngozi, who hails from Ogidi, Idemili North Local Government Area, Anambra State, had vowed to go into marriage as a virgin, but was brutally defiled by her elder brother’s best friend on December 16, 2013; leaving her shattered into a 1000 pieces like the windshield of a car, her virgin blood spilled and highly treasured virtue forever taken by a scoundrel.

Even more pathetic is the fact that she escaped the mayhem of Boko Haram in troubled Bauchi State, only to be savaged by the foul, filthy hands and mind of a son-of-the-devil lurking at home, in the heart of Igboland. For her, the rape experience is like a case of running from frying pan into fire. Ngozi’s taste of hell on earth began on Monday, December 16, when she went to her shop behind the Obosi Town hall, Obosi, also in Idemili North LGA to do her normal business of running a beer palour with her elder brother, which he set up to survive the hard times after relocating home in the wake of the incessant Boko Haram bombings in Bauchi.

Be an Advocate for Women. Women #SpeakOut!

 Violence against women in any form is a crime! Be it verbal or physical assault. The moment he insults you, calls you names, or makes you feel any less of yourself, That's "ABUSE". You're being emotionally beaten. No woman, no girl, no wife, no partner, no girlfriend should EVER, EVER put up with that. If you are a victim of these kinds of abuse, or if you know someone who is being abused, please speak to us. Send us an email: Standtoendrape@gmail.com.

Please spread the word.

Thank you!

Cultural Context of Domestic Violence amongst Africans in the Diaspora

Relationships and family lives are often glossed up by society and the media as though that is the reality for everyone, yet if we really held the mirror closer against our own society, a disturbing picture of abuse and sometimes violent reality emerges. In the midst of all this are children, who in the absence of any structured and meaningful love and guidance at home, go on to develop mal-adaptive behaviors that will shape their lives and personalities as they develop.

In turn parents may develop poor, authoritative parenting skills, or plain abuse and neglect as the ripple effect of this trauma begins to manifest itself into complex family problems. Some of the effects of this trauma will have lifetime effects and reproduce themselves in future generations.

Over the years I have heard comments such as ‘why doesn’t she just leave’ or stereotypical comments such as ‘that’s how African men treat women.’ Some of these comments are silent; some come from within ourselves, and some from within our own African communities. Although there is a wide body of initiatives and guidelines to further our knowledge on domestic violence, in fact very little is known or has been explored about the context in which African women and men suffer domestic violence.

STOP THE VIOLENCE: A Video that Explains it All

This is a poetic video explaining why we need to stop violence against women and its effects on women. This video was compiled by a group of young and innovative Nigerians for i2X media Company Limited. Thanks guys, this is is a great one! We hope you enjoy it.

Free At Last: The Concluding Part

We started this series and this is the concluding part of her story. For those who missed the first part, read it HERE. We hope you enjoy how the story ended.

After the well wishers had all gone and left us to enjoy our wedding evening, I slipped into the balcony with a bottle of wine, I didn't even bother with a glass. Settled on the chair at the corner, gazing at the birds, flying home as the stars began to make their appearance.

Life must be so easy for them, I thought as I sipped the wine absent-mindedly. Never having to worry about complicated relationships, love, hatred, fear, insecurity! Never having to wake up at night, screaming from a nightmare, almost every night. Never having the man they hate most for a father-in-law! I wished I was a bird, flying high, without a care in the world. As free as a bird. I felt the tear flow down my cheek.

I jerked as I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around in shock only to look in the eyes of my least favorite person. What was the mans problem? Could he not just stay away? Or better still, trip on the Ikeja express and be crushed to death by speeding cars? God help me but my life would be so much easier if he decided to just kicked the bucket! I'll even buy him the best coffin!