My Take on Akpororo's Joke by Deborah (@dumebiesq) #SayNoToRapeJokes

I woke up this morning to a message from one of my favorite twitter people, Ayodeji Osowobi (@AyodejiOsowobi), informing me that Akpororo had finally apologized for the rape joke. I went on to google the apology and as I read it I had tears flowing from my eyes. Was it because I woke up knowing it's also been a few days over one year since little girls were kidnapped from their school and have been living in captivity in the worst conditions with madmen, most likely being raped on a daily basis. Was it because I was relieved he finally apologized, albeit days later? It was most likely a combination of both. Rape issues and persons affected by it do not receive enough protection in our society.

In a week where the Oba of Lagos threatened Igbos living in Lagos with drowning if they did not carry out his orders, and upon a mighty public backlash, he immediately apologized and his statement immediately disowned by the party he sought to represent. In a week where Kunle Afolayan blamed Igbos as the sole cause of his loss to pirates and upon a mighty public backlash
he immediately apologized. In the same week Akpororo, an Airtel Ambassador, and a Comedian
favored by Christians makes a rape joke, there is a weak public backlash (though I am glad this came from both men and women), little or no condemnation from female celebrities and/or women on power, and no response from Airtel to tweets directed at them, even though they continued to tweet and bother me with their unwanted text messages. Some men on twitter even tried the excuse, “it was just a joke”. How??? I have spoken to persons affected by rape, (I hate to use the word “victim” because I respect the strength it takes to work towards overcoming the effect of rape) they donot ever forget, they constantly work to overcome it.

Joke Gone Wrong: The Tale of Comedian Akpororo

Hello everyone,

Hope we are still having a wonderful Easter break.

Just yesterday, a well respected Nigerian comedian and Airtel Ambassador, Akpororo told a rape joke at the ‪#‎AYLive2015‬ comedy show in Lagos. it won't be out of place to state that he is also a 'Gospel artist.' Interesting isn't it? Fola (@4LaH), a STER Ambassador who was present at the event confirmed the joke that was made, which a twitter follower has confirmed to be true.

The joke:

"He said he was traveling in a bus and saw a girl in the same bus. He was trying to ask her out but she didn't agree. Armed robbers stopped them, collected all their valuables and asked him to strip. Then they pointed a gun at the girl and asked her to strip too. Then they ordered him to have sex with her from behind at gun point. Then he started rolling his waist suggestively and the audience was laughing. He even said at the end have enjoyed it so much he started saying thank you to the armed robbers."

Though the joke was distasteful, what was most surprising is the laugh that pervaded the air. People found it funny. When did abuse become something society will accept via comedy and not accept in reality. Just thinking, will this be thesame people who will join a movement or go on radio and TV to denounce this act? Are these thesame kind of celebrity that will say "I stand to End Rape" in public? Hypocrisy mustn't be celebrated.

We believe telling a joke isn't just about making people laugh, it's people convictions. It also to a large extent determines who the person is and what they stand for. Can you catch an Ali Baba doing a rape joke? We doubt it! There is difference between CLASS and CRASS!

When people tell jokes that promote rape, society should frown at and refute this. There is little or no difference between someone who rapes and the one who tells the story in a way that one will feel comfortable with. Until we begin to understand that we have the power to determine what we listen to and judge as right or wrong, rape jokes will keep flying through our social media and public space.

Rape shouldn't be told to suit an audience. It can be told to touch people's conscience and deter others from indulging in the act.

At Stand to End Rape Initiative, we say NO to ‪#‎Rape‬ Jokes in Nigera and Africa as a whole.

We hope the comedian Akpororo will publicly apologise and moving forward, will desist from such an act.

Marital Rape in #Nigeria: My Perspective by Oluwatoyin Ogungbayi

Rape is one, if not the most under-reported and consequently under-prosecuted violent crime. Whether perpetrated by a stranger, an acquaintance or an intimate partner; it produces the most disappointing outcomes if prosecuted. Rape cases are often grueling, emotionally daunting for the victim, a crime of immense cruelty, which demands an enormous emphasis on proof in a court of law.

A quick examination of what rape is:

Rape is anal, oral or vaginal sex without consent. Therefore non-consensual anal, oral or vaginal penetration by a person’s spouse is marital or spousal rape.

Discussions around Marital Rape are guarded, sensitive and often unconcluded in the minds of many. Indeed in some societies some are of the position that it is culturally impossible to accuse a man of raping his wife. The popular belief is that spouses-especially the wife belongs to her husband and he can do as he pleases when he pleases and how he pleases so much so that it is unthinkable to suggest that a husband can rape his wife.

I however beg to differ by emphasizing the fact that the most crucial element of rape is the absence of consent. The relationship between the perpetrator and the victim does not take precedence over this ultimate factor of consent. Does it not therefore follow that lack of consent in marriage is rape? Rape remains rape as long as lack of consent is an element and Marital Rape is a despicable reality that affects a fair share of women whether or not it is spoken about and acknowledged.

Examining Martial Rape in the Nigerian context, we must understand the integral role power plays. Powerlessness for women and power for men is portrayed in Marital Rape because power gives the perpetrator the privilege of control of the victim’s body, absolute control to take, regardless of the victim’s willingness. It is used to punish, exert control over the victim and prove masculinity. This control is given, sustained and strengthened by patriarchy. Given that the society is an enabler of the rape culture through power and the dominance of men in the private and public spheres, it follows that a marital rapist believes that he owns his wife, a property that can be used anytime he pleases however he pleases; he believes also that sex is owed him by his wife. The prevalence of child marriage clearly depicts this unequal power relations and the way marital rape is enabled by the society. This sense of entitlement by marital rapists renders consent null and may be an indication that such men through socialization can also commit stranger rape. If so, the society can indeed be more dangerous for women than we thought.

Dear Rapist by @AyodejiOsowobi

Dear rapist,

Sure you are feeling cool with yourself right now. You have dehumanized another at the expense of your own pleasure. You have hurt another person to make yourself happy. How do you feel now? Are you proud of yourself and expecting an award? Well, we have a message for you, no you didn't win. Those you have sexually molested are now 'survivors' and are speaking up.

Bisi is just a young girl. Her fault for being raped was trusting you. Yes, you were her favourite uncle and she loved to be wrapped in your arms. I believe you felt the 5-year-old busy was 'feeling you.' She wanted you and couldn't say it...

Some excuses are beyond comprehension, How would you feel if she were to be your daughter? Oh wait, some men actually rape their daughters!

Wondering why the image? Well, I met a lady who shared her story with me. "I blessed the day I came into this world because my mother bore me to you. I smiled when you tossed me in the air and said "my baby girl." I was proud to be called that. But today, can I say thesame? You have taken my innocence because you couldn't control your sexual urge. Now, I am a sex addict. Will anyone listen to me when I say a 28-year-old me is addicted to sex because her father molested her? Will they see it from my point of view that I was launched into a sexual world that I wasn't ready for or will they just see me as a slut. That doesn't hurt. What hurts the most is that I have AIDS." she said.

Well, the goodnews is, she got help. You can get help. There are psychologists and (wo)men who help people in your situation. This is a problem you shouldn't be ashamed of. Speak up just like she did about being raped and she has moved with life just fine.

You might feel victmised, but getting help is the best for you. It's better to be free on the inside than cause pain to others and you remain in pain as well. We are angry about your acts, but have forgiven you.

Please speak to Praise Fowowe on 08037269483 and he will help you. He won't judge you as well. When we know you can't harm any other girl out there, she will be fine -- somewhat.

For rape survivors, please do speak up. Your rapist will only win if you don't break the silence. You can speak to us via 08095967000.

Opinion Ed: The 'Beastly' Abusers by @AbimbolaAbiolaa

Given the recent topics of conversations and the outpouring of comments, the subject of rape, spousal violence and abuse comes up frequently on social media platforms. I think that there are a lot of places people come from on the subjects, especially labeling perpetrators as beasts/monsters. So I thought I'd do a little polling with my own interpretation.

Now one of the things that I sometimes struggle with -- and I'm sure that I'm not alone -- is the way that we tend to dehumanize the perpetrators of violence. It's something that I've noticed in the past, and I would not to do it anymore, but it still happens. There's a tendency in conversations about abuse to start thinking of the perpetrators as beasts. It's a very intentional sentiment, there are plenty of sexist, transphobic, homophobic, or otherwise bigoted progressives.

The fact is, even the best of us are only human. Equally important: even the worst of us are human.

Dear Diary: Rape Took Kode's Life by @Toyin1Coker

On the day Kode was raped, I was shattered!!! Not just because she was my best friend, but because I could have protected her… It’s been 7 years already, 7 very tough years but I remember vividly just like it was yesterday. My scars are re-opened each time I read, hear or see a rape victim because I see a part of Kode in them.

***

On that sunny afternoon, Kode and I just finished swimming at our local pool in our not so elite community, arguing over a bar of chocolate as we walked back home. I noticed some guys walk very briskly towards us and immediately I told her, let’s run! But you know Kode… she is very strong headed she refused… "the streets should be safe enough for us to walk through without getting hurt” she said. I sense danger kode, but she won’t listen. 

As they approached us I ran leaving my best friend behind. As I raced as fast as my feet could take, I heard screams and pleas, it was Kode! And she was in great danger, but I couldn’t stop, my adrenaline rush would not let me. As I got into the compound our families share, our mothers ran out ‘’What happened? Where is your sister? They asked?’’ (We were called sisters, even twins) she’s in danger at quaver street I said. I watched our mothers wail as they ran off. Immediately, I felt a deep sense of guilt, I could not have ran without her. We could have faced them together.

Should Fighting Back to Avoid Rape Equal Death Sentence?

(Photo Credit: www.hurriyetdailynews.com)

20-year-old, Aslan was found burnt in a riverbed in the city of Mersin in Turkey. The psychology student was kidnapped on her way home on Wednesday and the driver attempted to rape her. She reportedly fought him off with pepper spray, but was then stabbed to death and also hit on the head with an iron pipe and that was how Aslan died -- not for probably committing an offence against anyone, but for simply saying no.

We are in a society where people, predominantly women have become prey and can be consumed by these predators anytime, anyday, anywhere. People need to understand that there is need for consent always.

"Yes, let's do this".

"No, let's not do this".

It's very necessary. One can only hope that people would grow to understand the necessity of consent. I'm tempted to ask "Do you enjoy sex when all you hear is screaming and wailing from the other party?" I don't want to think of this. Let's be more human.

Let's respect other people.

Consent is key always. This cannot be overemphasized.

------------------------------------------------------------

We join the women of Istanbul who have held protests so far to express their anger to take a stand to end rape.

Enough is enough. This violence should stop. Let's be more aware and sensitive towards the yearnings of other people.

Join the movement today. Take a stand to end rape.

Raped TWICE! First by a Perpetrator, Second by a Doctor. Zainab Brown (@AdunniBrown) Speaks

(Photo credit: The ViewsPaper)

The second rape I’m referring to in my title is not literal assault by a ‘doctor’ but more so an emotional and mental assault of a sexual assault survivor seeking help from doctors, lawyers and other systems providers. And most times, their friends, families and community members.

Sexual assault is perhaps the only crime in which its victims are victimized first by their attackers and second by legal, medical, and mental health systems (i.e. lawyers, psychologists and nurses) and even members of their communities. This secondary victimization or even “second rape” prohibits survivors of rape1 from thoroughly recovering and in addition perpetuate the idea that a rape survivor, male or female (although statistics show that women are succumbed to rape more than men), is to blame rather than the attacker. Campbell and Raja (1999)2 define secondary victimization as behaviors and attitudes of social service providers that are "victim-blaming" and insensitive, and which traumatize victims of violence who are being served by legal, medical, and mental health systems. This “second rape” by those meant to support survivors, in turn trivializes the crime and results in apathetic and discriminating attitudes towards sexual assault survivors.

Shame: Poem by Tosin Adeshokan (@theOluwatosin)

SHAME


The child heavy with child.
Spited by her mates,
Shallow bastards that wouldn’t know any better.
Disgraced by the community,
Shamed by her family.
She won’t find the cure to cancer.
That future is now erased.
All she would ever be would be street fights and failed marriages.
Drugs and suicide attempts.
One day she gets lucky and kills herself,
Trying to drown the Indian movie of sadness her life has become.


But do not shame Shade
No No No! Don’t even dare!


Shame her father for being a pig!
It’s not his fault he can’t respect women!
Just like his father before him, he is a violent abusive drunk!


Shame her mother for not standing against hell she called marriage.
A fractured nose here, a non-operational black eye there.
Settling for someone beneath her because society says ‘A woman is a failure if she isn’t married’.

Donation to #Give2STER by Ebiokpo Botei: Embracing and Appreciating Womanhood

                            

If bravery had a face it will be her. She is not the tallest of women folk, small in stature but presence so strong it is difficult to ignore. She is of African descent and prides herself in the pursuit of liberation and justice for women emancipation. She is D’bi young Anitafrika.

A Jamaican born and Toronto based storyteller and playwright, she effortlessly identifies with language and racial difference while addressing the focus of her work; female liberation.

There are a number of individuals advocating change on behalf of women, but this lady goes about hers in the most novel and unique of ways: storytelling. Passionate in her performance, emotional in her thoughts, artistic in her formulation and carriage, she weaves in detail and reality in the fine twines of art to project from an entertaining perspective, what we ought to be educated about. Anyone could have done same. Really? Anyone can capture an audience that cuts across different races with spoken words that go to the deep of the soul while, occupying the stage with the most unconventional stage performance costume? Not that many. I heard her mutter words in a Nigerian language, I thought was Yoruba. Indeed, it was Yoruba. Truth is, in difference and uniqueness she has not only addressed but enlightened as many that cared to listen, and as far as her conspicuous outfits go, those who couldn’t care less where drawn to listen. Child abuse, rape, chastisement for being HIV positive- All these are love songs she likes to sing and her choruses echoed on every stage she stood. Did I mention she has been on quite few? Yes she has.

                                          Why does she speak?

The little girl in the farms of the suburbs whose mum had no idea ‘Uncle’ Mark was taking advantage of, Laura in secondary school who as safe as she tried to live, fell victim to HIV and has been despised even by those she called family and friends and Lebo who was scarred as a result of rape just because someone thought it an effective war tool, who speaks for them? (Watch a video HERE).

Broken Wings by Ejura Salihu (@FleshyYetty)

Broken wings

I was free like a bird

I spread my wings and flew

Young and fresh like the morning dew

Innocent and in love

I had no fear

You were the one I held dear

You used to be my knight

Holding me tight through stormy nights

The world was mine to take

The dawn for me was breaking

I felt like your priceless princess 

Nothing could go wrong 

So I thought

The betrayal was swift and painful 

That cold night, you held me 

Kissed me

Promised me forever

Then held me closer

Soon your hand moved up my skirt

I asked you to stop

Told you I did not want to go that far

You said I did not mean it and mocked me

You forcefully had your way

Leaving me with broken wings

#Give2STER Press Release.

For Immediate Release

September 16, 2014
The #Give2STER Campaign promotes an end to sexual violence and abuse.

Stand to End Rape (S.T.E.R) Initiative works to end all forms of rape through education, supporting victims of rape and changing community perceptions towards sexual violence and abuse. S.T.E.R provides awareness seminars, sexual violence and abuse education, peer mentoring, therapy and promotes sexual and reproductive rights.

The “#Give2STER” campaign is an opportunity for everyone to say no to sexual violence and abuse in our communities, and take a pledge to support the campaign. The campaign is aimed at starting a free self-defense class for children and young adults, visit schools to distribute preventive materials on sexual violence and also to have a rape intervention centre in Lagos (and across Nigeria).

Throughout the coming weeks, S.T.E.R will be sharing information on how you can do your part to promote the campaign.

Follow STER’s Twitter handle: @standtoendrape for campaign updates, ways to donate and opportunities to join the campaign.

The #Give2STER campaign, which is STER's first official fundraiser starts today and culminates on October 4th by 8 p.m.

You can donate to STER’s bank account:

Account Name: Stand To End Rape Initiative

Account Number: 0157148304 (Cooperate Account).

Bank: GTBank

You can also visit http://standtoendrape.org/ or call +2348095967000 for more information, updates on the campaign and ways you can participate on October 4th!

-End of release-

Oral Rape and Its Survival

Many have no clue that oral rape exists. In the experiences shared below, we hope to enlighten you on oral rape and forms in which it occurs.

Oral Rape: Giving

Jackie's Story: One of the most challenging aspects of my rape was being forced to perform oral sex on my rapist. Unlike vaginal rape, it can be difficult coming to terms with feeling like an active participant in the abuse. While we know we didn’t want it, we still see ourselves doing it, even though it wasn’t a consensual act. This participation brings on a level of shame that can often feel unbearable.

The challenge in healing stems from a variety of issues. First, there is general embarrassment that comes from discussing oral sex. It is often the topic of many jokes, but it is not typically a conversation for “polite” company. This made discussing it very difficult and compounded the shame I felt.

Another issue is the misconception of how one can be forced to perform oral sex. While I was fortunate to have an incredible support system, they sometimes seemed to require an explanation as to how this could occur, which just exacerbated my shame. Although others may not be able to understand, it is of course possible to be forced to perform oral sex.

I needed to maintain the control that was taken during the oral rape and I found myself feeling very guarded about what I put in my mouth. In addition to the more obvious healing issues, there are also triggers that arise from eating certain foods that are phallic such as a bananas, ice cream or lollipops. At times, daily routines such as brushing my teeth can bring back memories or cause feelings of discomfort. Trips to the dentist also became a struggle.

Being able to connect with other survivors has been a great benefit. I no longer feel alone in my pain which is something that has helped the shame subside greatly. I now realize that there is no such thing as participation in rape. By definition, our choice was removed.

The Civil Society and the War against Domestic Violence by Bunmi Olaniyan

Within the last couple of weeks a lot of occurrences from the mundane to patently mind blowing has been scrolling across our collective, from continued Bringbackourgirls hash tag campaign for the Chibok girls to be rescued by Government to the comedy of the absurd playing out amongst our morally fractured political class.

Presently the 30percentornothing hash tag campaign is trending with a wide and varied series of emotional response. Some irritated others angry, while some offered whole hearted support and enthusiasm and those in between..

However apart from the frustration and anger at the perceived complacency of Government as regards a whole raft of issues, none of the news has caused as much angst and exasperation as the tweets bordering on an incident of domestic violence I read about barely few minutes ago. Since information about this particular issue is just unfolding hence we are not privy to the facts surrounding it this piece will suffice with one of equal impact hence assessment.

A couple of months ago, the flamboyant ex lawmaker Dino Melaye's partner packed out of his house due to her inability to withstand Dino's regular violence upon her person.

Was it My Fault? Self-Blame and Survivors

Was it my fault?

This is one common question. It should really come as no surprise that survivors blame themselves; it seems that society only takes rape seriously when the victim was violently overtaken by a stranger jumping out of the bushes. For most of us, our rapists were wolves in sheep’s clothing. They were our dates, our friends, our teachers, our cousins or fathers or mothers or husbands.

In Nigeria as we all know, most survivors tend to shy away from the incident and choose to keep mute. Based on findings, only 2 in 15 rape cases are reported and as little as 0.3% of the accused rapists are convicted. When the courts aren’t placing responsibility where it belongs, it becomes even harder for society to see us as victims whose actions played no role in what happened. And, therefore, it becomes even harder for us as survivors to realize that we are not to blame.

Did my choice lead to my rape?

We make hundreds of choices each day. Some are clearly good (wearing our seatbelt) and some are more neutral (eating potato chips for lunch instead of an apple). But some choices we make end up being bad only because of an intervening factor. For instance, one day last summer I parked outside instead of in a covered garage, on a day that happened to bring a huge hailstorm, and my car sustained expensive damages. "How stupid," I thought. "If only I had parked in the garage." What a bad choice I made!